Pres. Bush Nominates Pope to High Court
By Matthew Simcox
Washington D.C. -- President Bush made a surprise move today as he finally announced his nominee to fill Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's spot on the Supreme Court bench. As his nominee, he has chosen Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Cardinal Ratzinger of Germany, former Hitler youth, former deserter and priest.
"Pope Benny is a capable man, not burdened by the political rhetoric that would face most any American put up for nomination," the President said. "Also, he already has one lifetime tenure position as Pope, so he knows how that operates from a planning standpoint. I've spoken with him, and he is happy to go through the confiscation process."
Presidential Spokesperson, Scott McLellan, later clarified that the President meant “confirmation process.” He explained that the President was thinking about the recent Supreme Court decision allowing the condemnation of private property when he made the misstatement.
Constitutional law scholars were so taken aback by the announcement that most pulled out their handy-dandy pocket constitutions. Prof. David Guinn, constitutional law professor at Baylor University School of Law near the President’s ranch in Texas, remarked after the announcement, "This is highly unorthodox, but the Constitution says nothing about the formal requirements of a judicial nominee. There is no requirement of citizenship even. I can’t see that he did anything unconstitutional."
This nomination has not avoided any controversy that had been expected before the announcement. Most sources within Washington were preparing for a right-wing zealot that would be attacked with unprecedented vigor. Instead, they got a right-wing zealot consensus pick – albeit begrudgingly.
Democrats are reeling from the nomination because they feel that they cannot challenge the Pope too strongly for political reasons. Pope Benedict XVI is one of the most conservative Popes in history and stands for family values, personal responsibility, and law and order – hardly mainstream.
“Pres. Bush has once again out-maneuvered the Democratic Party,” said the Ragin’ Cajun, James Carville. “I’ve been sayin’ for years now that President Bush isn’t the dummy that he looks and sounds like. The democrats have to confirm Pope Benedict XVI. Yeux see, the Pope is a right-wing nutjob – he’s anti-abortion, he’s anti-Harry Potter, and he’s anti-homosexual marriage – but he’s also Catholic. In fact, he’s the head Catholic. And I don’t have to tell yeux that Catholics are the only reason democrats have a chance in states like Michigan and West Virginia.”
CNN colleague and fellow political analyst, Paul Begala sees this nomination as a turning point in America. “The American people will begin to see that Pres. Bush is in favor of a theocracy. What he doesn’t realize is that 92% of all Americans disfavor God in this country and will send a message to the President in the 2006 congressional elections.”
Asked whether he would accept the nomination, the Pope replied, “Ja. All my life, I have vahnted to judge people, but it vahs against my religion. Now, as God’s emissary on Earth and a judge, I can pass judgment straight from Him if I get confirmed by the good senators in America.”
The confirmation hearings are expected to begin the first week of August and a vote sometime in early September. The Pope’s confirmation is expected to be quick and almost certain.
Developing…
Washington D.C. -- President Bush made a surprise move today as he finally announced his nominee to fill Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's spot on the Supreme Court bench. As his nominee, he has chosen Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Cardinal Ratzinger of Germany, former Hitler youth, former deserter and priest.
"Pope Benny is a capable man, not burdened by the political rhetoric that would face most any American put up for nomination," the President said. "Also, he already has one lifetime tenure position as Pope, so he knows how that operates from a planning standpoint. I've spoken with him, and he is happy to go through the confiscation process."
Presidential Spokesperson, Scott McLellan, later clarified that the President meant “confirmation process.” He explained that the President was thinking about the recent Supreme Court decision allowing the condemnation of private property when he made the misstatement.
Constitutional law scholars were so taken aback by the announcement that most pulled out their handy-dandy pocket constitutions. Prof. David Guinn, constitutional law professor at Baylor University School of Law near the President’s ranch in Texas, remarked after the announcement, "This is highly unorthodox, but the Constitution says nothing about the formal requirements of a judicial nominee. There is no requirement of citizenship even. I can’t see that he did anything unconstitutional."
This nomination has not avoided any controversy that had been expected before the announcement. Most sources within Washington were preparing for a right-wing zealot that would be attacked with unprecedented vigor. Instead, they got a right-wing zealot consensus pick – albeit begrudgingly.
Democrats are reeling from the nomination because they feel that they cannot challenge the Pope too strongly for political reasons. Pope Benedict XVI is one of the most conservative Popes in history and stands for family values, personal responsibility, and law and order – hardly mainstream.
“Pres. Bush has once again out-maneuvered the Democratic Party,” said the Ragin’ Cajun, James Carville. “I’ve been sayin’ for years now that President Bush isn’t the dummy that he looks and sounds like. The democrats have to confirm Pope Benedict XVI. Yeux see, the Pope is a right-wing nutjob – he’s anti-abortion, he’s anti-Harry Potter, and he’s anti-homosexual marriage – but he’s also Catholic. In fact, he’s the head Catholic. And I don’t have to tell yeux that Catholics are the only reason democrats have a chance in states like Michigan and West Virginia.”
CNN colleague and fellow political analyst, Paul Begala sees this nomination as a turning point in America. “The American people will begin to see that Pres. Bush is in favor of a theocracy. What he doesn’t realize is that 92% of all Americans disfavor God in this country and will send a message to the President in the 2006 congressional elections.”
Asked whether he would accept the nomination, the Pope replied, “Ja. All my life, I have vahnted to judge people, but it vahs against my religion. Now, as God’s emissary on Earth and a judge, I can pass judgment straight from Him if I get confirmed by the good senators in America.”
The confirmation hearings are expected to begin the first week of August and a vote sometime in early September. The Pope’s confirmation is expected to be quick and almost certain.
Developing…
posted by Matthew Simcox | 5:27 PM
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