The Satire Site

Asked if He's the Right Man for the Job, John Edwards replies, "Fo Shizzle!"

2008-01-21T20:34:00.000-06:00

Deep South, U.S.A. -- The SatireSite has been following former senator and presidential hopeful, John Edwards, as he has swung through South Carolina and to a lesser extent, Georgia. This reporter has witnessed him campaigning in waffle shops, fried chicken joints, and predominently black churches. The common theme: John Edwards is black.

Obama, beware. There is another on the trail. And this one has the hair you only wish you had.

Standing before a packed congregation at the Greenville, S.C. New Light A.M.E. Church, John Edwards delivered his stump speech. To a chorus of "Amens" and "Uhmhums," he touted his leadership in healthcare reform. "We're gonna make it more assessible for the workin' po. If you ain't in the workin' po, don't worry - you gettin' it fo free. I have a black friend in my hometown. And he says, 'Brother John, we need you in Warshington, 'cause I'm havin' to work for my insurance."

Once the clapping died down, former senator and presidential hopeful, John Edwards, opened up the floor for questions. Not a few had questions. Asked if he could bring home the troops, Edwards said, "It's my goal to have 'em home by September 22nd, 2009." Editor's Note: SatireSite was perplexed why such a seemingly arbitrary date was mentioned. Later research found that that was the date Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation.

Asked if he could stimulate the economy, he answered, "I believe that the economy is only going to get better once we raise the taxes on the middle class, but yes, I believe I can."

Finally, one church member shouted out, "Are you the right man for the job?" Knowing that "no" was the wrong answer to give, he shouted in reply, "Fo shizzle."

Obama watch out.

VP Cheney Inexplicably Tries to Whack Only Republican in Austin

2006-02-14T11:26:00.000-06:00

By: Matthew Simcox

Austin, TX -- The man who once said that he was "a Republican before it was cool to be a Republican in Texas" is now in stable condition in a Corpus Christi hospital after being shot by Vice President Dick Cheney on a south Texas hunting expedition. Seventy-eight year old Austin lawyer, Harry Whittington found himself on the short end of a round of bird shot.

Cheney, a huge fan of HBO's The Sopranos, affected an Italian-American accent during the hunting trip according to many of his companions. "He was playing like he was a gangster from that show, whacking the quails with each shot. He would say things like, 'Sadaam, you're whacked' or 'Kim Jong Il is whacked'," an unnamed companion said.

Things went wrong with dictator, President Mahmud Ahmadi-Nejad of Iran. As Mahmud Ahmadi-Nejad was about to be whacked, Whittington walked in front and got a blast to the face.

SatireSite was able to get a quote from Vice President Cheney after the incident. "Harry [Whittington] is a very close personal friend of mine, and I feel absolutely awful about shooting him. I'm so glad that he is going to fully recover because Travis County would have no republicans if he had gone down and stayed down. That being said, I hope that he takes the message back to the county that I will whack the Democrats, terrorists, dictators, and carnies - the democrats only figuratively whacked, of course."

In related news, the sixth season of The Sopranos will debut on March 12 at 9/8c on HBO.

Rove Not Indicted, Prosecutor Earle on Way to D.C.

2005-10-28T11:13:00.000-05:00

By: Matthew Simcox

Washington D.C. -- It's not over for presidential advisor, Karl Rove. Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald couldn't indict the big "ham sandwich", Mr. Rove, before the grand jury session ended on Friday. Undaunted, but embarassed, he has asked for Texas prosecutor, Ronnie Earle to travel to D.C. to get that indictment.

Ronnie Earle is best known for obtaining two indictments against Rep. Tom Delay (R - Tex.) for Delay's beating the Democrats at the ballot box. "As a democrat, it is my duty to beat republicans at the courthouse," said Ronnie Earle after the indictments were brought against Delay.

Earle had to get the two indictments from three separate grand juries because one refused to indict at all, and the other two only found reason to indict for one charge. Grand jury shopping is not illegal or unethical, but it has the appearance of impropriety. But, his efforts got him noticed by the Special Prosecutor. "I like the tenacity and the perseverence that Ronnie Earle showed when he went after Delay," Fitzgerald said. "That kind of attitude and approach is needed here. I fully expect that Earle will be able to help me nail Rove and maybe even Vice President Cheney. But getting to Cheney may be wishful thinking."

Cheney's chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, was indicted on five counts including obstruction of justice and perjury before the grand jury. No one is actually charged yet with the felony originally under investigation, that is disclosing the name of CIA operative Valerie Plame.

Roberts Confirmed, Asks, "Where will I sit?"

2005-09-29T12:03:00.000-05:00

By: Matthew Simcox

Washington, D.C. -- Sitting in the White House Roosevelt Room with the President and First Lady Bush, John Roberts got to watch 100 senators vote for or against his becoming the 17th chief justice of the Supreme Court of the United States - or SCOTUS for short.

The final tally was 44 - 16, Miami (OH) over Cincinnati. Then, the President changed the channel from SportsCenter to Fox News for the confirmation tally. That final tally was 78 - 22, yeses over nos. Each of the Republican Senators and half of the Democrat Senators voted for the Confirmation of John Roberts.

At "yes" vote number 51, the Roosevelt room erupted in raucous laughter and the ginger ale was uncorked and the juice was flowing -- yes, at 11:30 in the morning. Chief Justice Roberts reportedly slapped the President on the back and exclaimed, "YES! Thank you, Mr. President."

The party quieted down a little bit for the conclusion of the vote, but it was clear that no one really cared after "yes" vote number 51.

Once all the dust settled, and the votes were in, new CJ Roberts was heard asking President Bush, "Where will I sit?"

Typically, the newest member of the SCOTUS sits at one of the far ends of the bench and moves inward with seniority. But Roberts should have known that as Chief Justice he would be in the center. Robert's reply to the answer: "But I'm not a centrist, I'm a leftist."

Bush Appoints Streisand as New Weather Czar

2005-09-26T09:07:00.000-05:00

By: Matthew Simcox

Washington D.C. -- Hoping to make a few friends on the left, President Bush has surprised many by asking Barbara Streisand, a long-time Democrat and activist, to take over a new position that he created, the Weather Czar.

"It will be the Weather Czar's obligation to see to it that weather systems are properly attributed to the culpable parties," explained Pres. Bush. "With the onset of so many terrible hurricanes in the last two years, I'm sure that there is some foul play afoot here. We need to get down to the bottom of it."

People on both sides of the political aisle believe that this gesture by President Bush will not yield the political fruits that he is hoping for. Firebrand Tom DeLay-R, Tex. tells the SatireSite that President Bush has just set his legacy back. As Streisand is so venomously opposed to anything that he does, by appointing her to some official capacity, he has given her a free, official looking podium on which to tarnish his image. "People will remember only what President Bush did with regard to the weather. His record on defense, security, economic vitality - gone. Because people only care about the weather. If the weather's bad, people will not remember the sunny days of American prowess."

Senate minority leader, Harry Reid-D, Nev., echoes Tom Delay's concerns...only with giddiness. "By naming Barbara to a position within the administration, Pres. Bush has assured the democrats a win in the southern and gulf coastal states. They will now see that the storms are, in fact, a direct result of global warming. He will fry for rejecting Kyoto."

Streisand's superior meteorological knowledge was exhibited when she made an appearance on that show that Diane Sawyer does. She correctly noted that there have been two major hurricanes within the last few weeks. Add to her brilliant mind the fact that she has a very well-known face, and she could very well be a powerful Weather Czar.

"It will by my job to correctly blame the culpable parties for devastating weather systems. Right now, Pres. Bush is to blame for Katrina, Philipe, Ophelia, Rita, Charley, George, Andrew (because Sr. Bush was in office then), and also for the desertification of sub-Saharan Africa. Just remember, with a democrat president, the weather is fair. And on a clear day, you can see forever."

The President, however, is telling the SatireSite that he has interior...uh, inferior...uh, hidden motives for naming Streisand to the post of Weather Czar. "I fully expect to get bad press out of this. But, I'm also pretty sure that Streisand will use her position to make an idiot of herself. The more exposure the democrats on the fringe get, the more the general public will see how utterly nutballish they are. I've never looked good to the press and much of the public, but the way to make yourself look good is to make your opponents look nutballish."

Asked about DeLay's-R, Tex. concerns, the President just said, "Oh, Sparky has to make those kinds of statements for this ruse to work."

NASA Mission 2050: New New Orleans

2005-09-17T13:33:00.000-05:00

By: Matthew Simcox

Houston, TX -- NASA has unveiled a new vision for the next half-century. Ready to act on Pres. Bush's pledges to explore and colonize Mars, NASA has decided that the name of the first colony shall be New New Orleans.

"Mars is a great place to start a new civilization. In memorium of the U.S.'s most devastating natural disaster, there is nothing more fitting than to name the first colony after one of our greatest cities that was hit so hard by Hurricane Katrina," said NASA Administrator, Michael Griffin.

NASA's future has been put in jeopardy of late, with the loss of Shuttle Columbia and the pins-and-needles return to flight this past July with Shuttle Discovery. Many in Washington question the utility of this multi-billion dollar agency.

"We think that the Mars project is crucial as we've already pretty much used up all of our natural resources on Earth. We have to have a new planet to rape of its resources or else we'll find ourselves without heating, air-conditioning, and wood," said EPA spokesperson Jeff Mallard.

Administrator Griffin explains that New New Orleans is a most fitting name for the first colony on Mars. "First of all, Mars, like New Orleans, LA has great big canals. Now, Mars' are devoid of liquid, so there's no chance of flooding. Secondly, Mars has no government. I think some from New Orleans would feel right at home there. And thirdly, despite many rumors and speculation to the contrary, intelligent life has not been found in either locale."

Secret Service Changes Presidential Codename

2005-09-09T15:07:00.000-05:00

By: Matthew Simcox

Washington D.C. -- The Secret Service has changed the presidential codename from "Eagle" to "El Nino" one agency memo states. The memo leaked out during the President's walking tour of the devastated Gulf region after Hurricane Katrina.

"'El Nino' was used to identify the president because he is, in fact, responsible for the devastation of the Gulf states," reported Sen. Hilary R. Clinton. How Mrs. Clinton learned of the motivation behind the codename change is unknown, but it is believed that she has some ties with the Secret Service from her days as first lady.

"El Nino" literally means "the boy" in Spanish, but the term took on much greater meaning in the mid to late 90's when overly warm Pacific temperatures created very unusual weather patterns across the country. "El Nino" was blamed for everything from rain to drought, to acne, to causing VCR clocks to blink 12:00.

"The codename for the president has not been changed, and it's not "Eagle" either," said one secret service agent who couldn't give his name because he didn't want to let his secret out. "The presidential codename is subject to change at anytime, but we cannot divulge that information."

Asked about the memo, the agent said, "what memo?"

As the most hated man in America, President Bush secretly welcomes the new codename. "I like the name, El Nino. It's better than Georgy, the Kid, and it still instills fear in the masses. Hey, how'd you get past my S.S.?"

Superband Seeks Gigs

2005-08-10T11:20:00.000-05:00

By: Matthew Simcox

San Francisco, CA -- The SatireSite has learned that a new "superband" is going to begin touring in the United States, Europe, and Canada.

A throwback to the bygone days of the long-haired soft sound of mind-easing mood music, Yanni G, hopes to capitalize on the turmoil and strife that the world presents today.

"This partnership of musical genius couldn't come at a better time," Arista Records producer, Randy Daly said. "What with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and with the devastation left in the wake of the hurricanes, their music can inspire thousands to feel better about themselves."

Yanni G, the combination of the world famous Yanni and Kenny G, will begin their tour in San Francisco, CA, with stops in such notable places as Vancouver, BC; Joplin, MO; Houston's Montrose District; Stockholm, Sweden; Oslo, Norway; Paris, France; and Barcelona, Spain.

A superband is a group of musicians, coming together for what is usually a short term arrangement. Each member of the group must be world reknowned in his own right for the group to be a superband.

"Ever since my concert at the Acropolis, I have wanted to do something big, but I could never think of anything. Then my friend, G, approached me about playing a concert tour with him. I just couldn't pass it up. In our industry, you don't get bigger than Kenny G. He's an icon," Yanni said breathlessly.

The sought-after demographic to their concerts is middle-aged women with pan-Hellenic notions, middle-aged men with women with pan-Hellenic notions, and middle-aged men who would like a good chuckle.

"I think we can pack any stadium that we can book." Kenny G said through his publicist.

CNN Roughs Up Wrong Danger

2005-08-03T14:57:00.000-05:00

By: Matthew Simcox

Washinton D.C. -- The Clinton News Network has reportedly discredited a Jonesboro, AR farmer by the name of Abel Danger.

The news organization has asserted that Mr. Danger knew of terrorist activity in the United States and abroad and failed to report it to the appropriate authorities.

When asked to comment on why CNN has exposed this man, they responded with, "Mr. Abel Danger, as a farmer in rural Arkansas, is particularly well poised to hear of anti-government plots. Furthermore, as an Arkansan, he has a direct line to former president Bill Clinton. When he failed to help U.S. intelligence thwart the 9/11 attacks, he failed us all."

Mr. Danger never expected CNN to come down on him so harshly, much less at all. "I was surprised as anyone to see my sun and wind-burned face on CNN. I really don't know how CNN linked me to any special knowledge of terrorism, but I promise I don't, didn't, and never will have such knowledge. The only anti-government talk I ever hear is at the barber shop, where no one grows a beard more than 2 inches. "

CNN has since retracted their original story, but sources within the organization state that the brass at the top are still snooping around Mr. Danger's farm.

It has been confirmed that Abel Danger is, in fact, a republican who voted for Mr. Bush in 2000 and 2004.

Pres. Bush Nominates Pope to High Court

2005-07-18T17:27:00.000-05:00

By Matthew Simcox

Washington D.C. -- President Bush made a surprise move today as he finally announced his nominee to fill Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's spot on the Supreme Court bench. As his nominee, he has chosen Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Cardinal Ratzinger of Germany, former Hitler youth, former deserter and priest.

"Pope Benny is a capable man, not burdened by the political rhetoric that would face most any American put up for nomination," the President said. "Also, he already has one lifetime tenure position as Pope, so he knows how that operates from a planning standpoint. I've spoken with him, and he is happy to go through the confiscation process."

Presidential Spokesperson, Scott McLellan, later clarified that the President meant “confirmation process.” He explained that the President was thinking about the recent Supreme Court decision allowing the condemnation of private property when he made the misstatement.

Constitutional law scholars were so taken aback by the announcement that most pulled out their handy-dandy pocket constitutions. Prof. David Guinn, constitutional law professor at Baylor University School of Law near the President’s ranch in Texas, remarked after the announcement, "This is highly unorthodox, but the Constitution says nothing about the formal requirements of a judicial nominee. There is no requirement of citizenship even. I can’t see that he did anything unconstitutional."

This nomination has not avoided any controversy that had been expected before the announcement. Most sources within Washington were preparing for a right-wing zealot that would be attacked with unprecedented vigor. Instead, they got a right-wing zealot consensus pick – albeit begrudgingly.

Democrats are reeling from the nomination because they feel that they cannot challenge the Pope too strongly for political reasons. Pope Benedict XVI is one of the most conservative Popes in history and stands for family values, personal responsibility, and law and order – hardly mainstream.

“Pres. Bush has once again out-maneuvered the Democratic Party,” said the Ragin’ Cajun, James Carville. “I’ve been sayin’ for years now that President Bush isn’t the dummy that he looks and sounds like. The democrats have to confirm Pope Benedict XVI. Yeux see, the Pope is a right-wing nutjob – he’s anti-abortion, he’s anti-Harry Potter, and he’s anti-homosexual marriage – but he’s also Catholic. In fact, he’s the head Catholic. And I don’t have to tell yeux that Catholics are the only reason democrats have a chance in states like Michigan and West Virginia.”

CNN colleague and fellow political analyst, Paul Begala sees this nomination as a turning point in America. “The American people will begin to see that Pres. Bush is in favor of a theocracy. What he doesn’t realize is that 92% of all Americans disfavor God in this country and will send a message to the President in the 2006 congressional elections.”

Asked whether he would accept the nomination, the Pope replied, “Ja. All my life, I have vahnted to judge people, but it vahs against my religion. Now, as God’s emissary on Earth and a judge, I can pass judgment straight from Him if I get confirmed by the good senators in America.”

The confirmation hearings are expected to begin the first week of August and a vote sometime in early September. The Pope’s confirmation is expected to be quick and almost certain.

Developing…

Welcome

2005-07-14T10:10:00.000-05:00

This site is for satirical articles and the like. If you are interested in joining the blog as a contributing author, please let me know by leaving comments or emailing me. Of course, everything on this site shall be clean.

Thanks,
Matthew